Last night Griffin and I went to a store I had never stepped foot in before - Babies 'R' Us. We went with my in-laws to create a registry for my baby shower. I knew they would give us a zapper and we could zap everything that we wanted. Free to zap all we desired. Who could stop me? And it's best to tell people what you want to get, right?
Well - being the efficient person I occasionally am, I preregistered online the day before and checked out the many guides on the Babies 'R' Us website to see what we would need. When I realized we would need a car seat, two actually, I surfed over to Consumer Reports to find out which seats were top rated. I cross-checked this information to see what would fit into my MINI and added that seat, a Britax Roundabout 50 to our online registry. I also checked out highchairs and cradles, picked the 'best' ones, cross-checked this information with Epinions and several parenting guides to help me make the final selections. I felt like I had a good grip on what I was in for.
Griffin and I met his folks at their house, we piled into one car and took off for dinner first. Shopping for baby supplies doesn't seem like a good activity to do on an empty stomach. After a very filling dinner we were off again. We arrived at Babies 'R' Us. This store is bright - bright in a way that is offensive to the eyes: like candy that is too sweet and overpowered with flavoring. I blinked a lot.
We started at the bottles and nipples. Although I plan to breastfeed, I know I will need these devices when I return to work in September. However, I am highly concerned about giving our offspring anything made of plastic to hold food, drinks or gnaw on for a long period of time. I have read that bisphenol can leach out of plastic and be ingested by the child. This chemical is linked to cancer, early onset menses and hyperactivity among other issues. Do I want to raise a hyperactive-reproductive-cancerous-7-year-old? No thanks. So I put off on the bottle buying until I can determine what type of bottle might be best. So far stainless steel is looking pretty good and oh-so industrial chic.
We moved over to the bathing department. I read an article that says you don't need an infant bathtub, they just take up space. Space in your house and then space in a landfill. You can wash an infant in a big bowl, if need be. (Toss in some pine nuts and cherry tomatoes and you can have a lovely salad.) I also read that we Americans over-wash our kids and don't let their immune systems strengthen against common grim. Apparently, sponge bathing is fine for most babies until they can crawl around, get sweaty and stink. Boy, am I looking forward to that!
So we passed on the tub, we also passed on some bath towels with Elmo's head as the hood. That just looked freaky. So far, no zapping. We had been there 20 minutes. We made it over to the first aide supplies. I could spend a lot of time here. Neither Griffin nor I are particularly nimble or graceful. I have bruises on my bruises from crashing into shadows. Griffin can make a wine glass explode by breathing near it. Our kid may inherit our shortcomings and be in dire need of some first aide at an early age. Somehow, though, I neglected to zap a first aide kit.
Finally, we zapped some personal grooming items. Nail clipper, forehead thermometer, and a brush. I didn't think we needed the brush. Do you brush a baby? It looked just like the one that I use to brush my cats. Why would I need another one of those? I zapped it, just in case.
On to strollers. Don't need one of those. We are planning on wearing our baby - like an elegant brooch pinned to our chest. Strollers just push your baby away from you. It's not nurturing. I want to nurture. Someone mentioned netting for a stroller. No. Netting and stroller covers would just create an environment of sensory deprivation for our budding genius. Griffin piped in with something about how we are going to let our kid get bitten by bugs and it would be good for her. Not what I was thinking, but okay, that too.
Next came the bouncy-plastic-noisy-walker-rolly things. Don't need one of those. These walker things actually retard your baby from learning to walk. Who needs to balance on your fat, sloppy pins when you can just tip-toe around in your baby-wheelchair? They are also another hunk of plastic that I don't want to contribute to the landfills. I won't even mention the appalling plastic gee-gaws and doo-hickeys that blink and beep and whine which are attached to the fronts of these things. Not going to mention it.
On to car seats, you know I have that one all sewn up. The one model I picked was on display. No one seemed too impressed. "It's got the highest crash rating," I pointed out. Not much of a reaction. No zapping here. The other model I picked wasn't on display. I guess it's not that popular. Next aisle, highchairs, got that one covered too. Did my research. Done. Our model wasn't on display. What a surprise, I didn't pick a popular model here either, but it was highly rated by many parents. I also watched a cool video on Youtube that clinched it for me. Its called a Boon Flair - looks like it is from the Jetsons. I liked it. I wish it came in my size.
A few aisles later. Cribs and cradles. Days ago I picked out a crib on the Pottery Barn Kids website when I registered there. I was not going to mess around with a cheap crib that would entrap my only offspring while we slept. Again, I was not surprised to see that the cradle I picked wasn't on display. I can pick 'em. Obscure and unpopular? - my top choice!
We looked at crib mobiles. It can be good stimulation for the baby to have something to look up at while it's trapped in its sleeping quarters, however, every mobile came with a tinny music box inside that sounded like a demented clown looking for a victim. I do not need this soundtrack in my peaceful home. I zapped one I thought was silent, but turned out, I was wrong - I missed the fine print. It played 'Brahm's Lullaby'. I'm sure it sounds just as he intended.
We zapped some crib sheets. A few sleep sacks. Some velcro assisted swaddling cloths. And stumbled into the 'toy' aisles. Yikes! Can you say 'made in China' ten-times fast? Everything looked like it was made of plutonium. It was all neon and glowing. I explained that I didn't want the kid chewing on anything so freakishly unnatural looking. Are we to assume that all of these 'toys' have been tested for their chemical make-up? Am I to entrust the health of my little grub to the people who added melamine to baby formula to save a few bucks? No thanks. I decided to look for more organic toys online when we got home.
Finally, the moment we all have been waiting for - baby duds. Teeny-tiny, little outfits that will fit our kid for what? A week? A month? Well, at least we could have some fun here, right? Apparently, girls need to be dressed in pink. I scoffed as my mother-in-law as she picked out pink nighties, pink dresses, pink twin-sets and pink fluffy things. Griffin found a cute outfit with monkeys on it. That's for boys! Monsters - boys! Skulls - boys! Robots, puppies and peace signs? Boys, boys, boys. I drew the line at peace signs and zapped them. Griffin found a pair of rain boots with a skull and cross-bone pattern. I zapped 'em. Booties with funny little monsters on the toes. Zapped 'em. What does it matter what you dress your wee one in? Might as well have fun right?
We finished up and returned to the registry desk to give back the zapper. The lady confirmed that we were having a girl and promptly told us that we had accidentally selected boys' booties. It was the monster booties. I defended our choice to the woman. It was late, she didn't care. She left it on the list. We finished up and left. We zapped 24 items. I planned on removing the 'miszappings' when we got home. So, maybe 20 items? But I learned an important lesson . . . it's always important to - wait, I didn't learn any important lessons. It was still an entertaining evening for me, although I fear my in-laws think I am really nuts now.
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