Is She Just Getting Fat or Is She . . . ?

18 Weeks, 3 Days

Back to the grind today. I love my job teaching high school art; it always keeps me on my toes. At this stage in my pregnancy I am starting to seriously look pregnant. Or perhaps just quite fat. Although we had felt that 17 weeks was the right time to tell our friends and family about the pregnancy, I am still holding out on announcing it at school.

I am not what you would call a snappy dresser. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and when the temperature drops, I am a jeans and sweater kind of girl. My puffy body looks less than smashing in a pair of jeans these days, even the low cut ones. In fact it looks as if my 'muffin top' has grown a 'muffin top'. If you don't know what that is, Google it, but I warn you, it won't be pretty.

Last summer I had developed a weird habit that I can't seem to break. I was just starting to show at around 17 weeks; this was near the same time that we got the bad news. I didn't want anyone else to find out I was pregnant if I was going to lose it anyhow, so I started holding in my belly or sucking in my gut, if you will. I think I was ashamed of losing the pregnancy and didn't want to draw any attention it.

In addition, I was in a constant state of kegel as I subconsciously tried to preserve any amniotic fluid that I could. Part of me was always determined to 'fix' the problem right up to the very end. The kegeling I gave up rather quickly after the D&E, but the gut sucking has stuck with me. Now I can't seem to stop. Its exhausting and sometimes I forget to breathe. Dizzy blonde am I.

During a blissfully ignorant moment during my last pregnancy, Griffin and I took a trip to Old Navy Maternity. It was in June, so I bought a bunch of summery tops and a few casual bottoms thinking I would be plumping up all summer. They were ditched in July into the back of a little used drawer. I had put the maternity clothes out of sight because they were just a cruel reminder of my most recent failure. Never had I thought that I would need them again so soon.

By 15 weeks no amount of gut sucking was going to get me into a pair of jeans (but it didn't stop me from doing it). In my desperation to decompress and get out of my not so stretchy stretch jeans, I started to dig in my maternity drawer. So the last few weeks I have been strolling into work wearing comfy sweaters and maternity yoga pants. My body now says "aaaaah". The thing is, my belly was not so noticeable before Christmas break, but boy it is now! My yoga pants and sweater were not what people were looking at today at school.

Actually, I was rather amused by the looks I was getting. I tend to walk around my classroom and half-sit, half-lean my butt on a table when talking to students individually. In this position my belly looks like I am trying to smuggle a bowling ball under my sweater. My students' eyes slowly drift to my round waistline and then back up. I know what they are wondering, but I still am not prepared to announce anything to them yet. Let them wonder. It's good for them.

I also haven't told the head of personnel at school. Last May I scheduled a meeting with him to announce my pregnancy at 13 weeks. I was so excited. We filled out paperwork and determined how much time I would need to take off. He congratulated me over and over and sent me home with some papers for my doctor to fill out. I never got the chance to have my OB fill out that paperwork. It hung on our refrigerator until after the procedure. I remember the empty feeling I had when I took it down and threw it out.

I emailed the head of personnel and informed him that we had lost the pregnancy and I would not need the maternity leave. He never responded. I saw him a couple of months ago on a school matter and he didn't ask how I was doing. I guess he forgot.

My waiting to tell him now is for two reasons. First, I want to make sure that everything is truly OK with this pregnancy (and perhaps not jinx it) and second, I am simply avoiding looking like a fool. In my mind, if something goes wrong this time too and I have to tell him again that I don't need the maternity leave, I fear he will think I am a nut job. Of course he wouldn't, you are thinking, but I can't help how I feel. I am protecting myself.

Today we got the results of the Alpha Fetal Protein blood test. This is the test that came back irregular during the last pregnancy and alerted the doctors to look for the problem. This time the test is normal! I am so relieved. It is a huge milestone for me, for us.

Next Monday we are scheduled for an anatomy scan which is a level II ultrasound. This is the big one, where they look for any defects or problems that were not seen on other tests. Last time we were scheduled for this test, but never got there. I never canceled it either, I guess they figured it out.

During this ultrasound they will examine the heart, kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain and spine and check that the bambino is growing properly. After this test, I may feel secure enough to tell my students and just maybe, the head of personnel too.