It's - Natural?

21 Weeks, 6 days.

The cat is out of the bag. Well, maybe it is coming out in super slo-mo, but it is definitely coming out. More and more people at work are actually approaching me and asking if I am, indeed, pregnant. I am getting more comfortable with the idea of discussing my condition with folks outside of my 'pregnancy inner circle'. Although tickling me somewhere in the back of my mind is the thought that I am jinxing this whole thing by talking about it to virtual 'strangers'.

I am not a mystical person. I don't believe in jinxing or bad luck or karma - good or bad - and yet, still I get that miserable little tickle once in a while. Pushing it down and away has become easier over time, but there are days when it rears its ugly head too often.

At lunch today, two more people found out about our happy news. I am no longer actively hiding my pregnancy, however, I cannot bare to think about shouting about it from the rooftops. It just came up in the lunchtime conversation and I spoke about it as if everyone knew and it was no big deal. That alone, was a challenge for me.

A colleague of mine that ate lunch with us is also awaiting the birth of his offspring. His wife is due a couple of weeks before I am. I used to despise other people who were pregnant when I was having miscarriage after miscarriage. I was really bitter, but now it was actually quite pleasant to discuss our upcoming events.

We talked about due dates and finding out the sex and then the topic of birthing came up - I brought it up. I asked if they were planning on having a natural childbirth. His initial reaction was 'yes' and then he amended the statement by saying she was planning on having an epidural. I told him that was not 'natural' and he responded with something like 'Is that not what you meant?'

Apparently, he was thinking 'natural' meant not having a c-section. If it comes out the normal route, then that was the 'natural' part of giving birth. Natural childbirth, right? I found it rather comical.

I told him that we were considering having a home birth. Now, this always raises some eyebrows and he was no exception. My colleague responded with something like - that's really 'interesting' or 'cool'. Since we are mostly nodding acquaintances, I assumed he might be holding his tongue and his true thoughts on the matter.

I thought about this for a while today. It's so strange how we have come to think that there isn't any other option for giving birth other than doing it at a hospital. And that as long as the baby comes out through the birth canal, well, then that's natural enough. The fact that the mother is numb from the belly down, pumped full of drugs and attached to several different monitors all beeping and flickering never enters into the equation. Even if you do it without drugs, the whole hospital setting really doesn't seem so natural to me either.

Most of the time when I discuss home birthing now, I get some variety of a negative reaction. Some responses are strong and on the verge of calling me an idiot and having a death wish for my baby and others are more polite and merely hint at my lunacy. I am developing a thick skin.

Tomorrow, we will meet with a midwife whom we may choose to have help deliver Piper. She started out as a labor and delivery nurse and then moved over to midwifery and home birthing. I am really interested to hear what she thinks about our risk factor, both with the miscarriages and my advanced age. Thirty-seven is considered geriatric in the motherhood biz.

I have been thinking about how I will react if the midwife tells us that home birth is not a good option for us. She is the expert after all. I expect to hear that from an OB, but will be disappointed if a midwife tells us it's not a smart idea. So, what will our next move be? A birthing center? Back to the old hospital option?

Moreover, how would I deal with the possibility of being in labor and finding out that I just can't do it at home? What would it be like to admit defeat and go to a hospital to deliver? Could I stand the barrage of I told you so's that would surely follow? Maybe my skin needs to get a little bit thicker still.