Thank You For Calling, Please Hold

18 Weeks, 4 Days

It's not my fear of the unknown that keeps me from shouting joyfully about my pregnancy. Instead, it is my fear of the past repeating itself that gives me pause. Griffin has the same affliction, perhaps even worse than I do. We both feel like we are waiting, our lives on hold, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

I got lucky in the in-law department when I married Griffin. His parents are wonderful people. His mother is one of the kindest, most generous people I know and her excitement about our potential offspring is so contagious I almost forget about my fearful waiting - almost.

We had dinner at their house last night. It was a relaxing evening for us. We all chatted about daily events, made jokes and, of course, talked about the pregnancy. My mother-in-law wanted to know if I still wanted to have a baby shower. We had a date picked for the last pregnancy and I think she had even begun the organization when I PROMed and it all went down the tubes.

Although I tend to loathe 'showers', I know she wants to have one for us and I think it could be fun. The worst part of a shower for me is the hours of gift opening with people oooo-ing and cooooo-ing over each gift as they are gingerly unwrapped and the item is held up for all to see. If this process could be streamlined and less gooey, the rest of it would be fine with me. I like food and drinks . . . oh, wait . . . I wouldn't be able to have the drinks. Well, anyhow.

I felt it was necessary to have the date for the shower very far out and closer to my due date, June 5th. Just the thought of having a shower with all those people and all those gifts and then lose the pregnancy afterward, I think I might implode. It saddens me how little faith I have in everything going well and having a happy ending. I don't trust my own body.

There are other decisions I can't make while my life is on hold: what to do on summer vacation, when to start turning the spare bedroom into a nursery, when to talk to a midwife or doula and if we will even go that route. I just can't get myself to commit to things that would have to be undone if this pregnancy is undone and so I wait, our lives on hold.