A Good Daddy

22 Weeks

Being pregnant is an interesting state to be in. Your body changes shape, you feel the little spud growing inside, people smile at you knowingly and you are so much more aware of the happy, little things in life. Pregnancy can also leave you feeling angry, helpless and broken when it doesn't go well. There is very little a woman can do to help a failing pregnancy. When I knew last summer that I was going to lose the baby, but still had to carry it around for a few more days that turned into weeks it was sheer torture. Joy and pain in one melon-sized package.

For a woman, pregnancy is something that is experienced every moment. The deep connection between mother and child is due, not in small part, to the actual physical connection. I am at the stage where I feel Piper move on a regular basis. I know that she will jump around when I eat something sweet and nap when I am walking or driving. I am always aware that I am carrying her around with me.

When I woke up this morning there was a big lump bumping out on the left side of my belly. Hard and round it was probably her head. It was really weird, a little scary and yet very exciting. I have had dreams about being able to 'see' her through my skin, but this was the first time I could see it for real. As I got moving the lump flattened out, so I suppose she moved into a more normal position. I didn't tell Griffin about it because I got wrapped up in my day shortly after coming downstairs.

As Piper's movements have been getting stronger, I have been trying to get Griffin to feel them. Often, when we are parked on the loveseat watching a movie, I ask him if he wants to feel my belly. He has felt her move, but not that many times yet. However, I have felt her move on the outside of my belly so hard that my hand has bounced. Perhaps she knows the difference between our touches?

Griffin seems more and more excited about the pregnancy and the offspring to come. When we first started dating he told me that he wanted to have a family. He said that he wouldn't even consider seriously dating someone that didn't want children. He was really looking forward to being a father. I wanted to have a child or maybe two at that time, but it was for more abstract reasons - in my mind it seemed like an interesting experiment. What did I know? I had never experienced motherhood and I had never been pregnant.

When we decided a few years ago that it was a good time to have a family my body wasn't cooperating. After the great joy and then loss of the last pregnancy we started to become very shaky about the idea altogether. The heartbreak of the last loss was so great that Griffin told me he didn't want to try again. I wanted to try one more time.

So here we are at a very successful 22 weeks and I can see that Griffin is becoming more reassured about the future success of this pregnancy. Now we discuss our ideas and ideals about pregnancy, delivery and parenting on a daily basis. Early on during this pregnancy, we didn't talk about any of that. We were playing the 'wait and see' game. I knew he was excited about the prospect of finally having a baby, but the last pregnancy and the disappointment that ensued really seems to have scarred him.

I can't imagine how helpless he felt during that last month. When we found out that things were going poorly, I did what I always do in such dire situations: try to find a way to fix it. Griffin was much more accepting of the loss than I was. He listened to me when I told him about the few options I thought we had, but he did his own research on PROM and did not like what he found.

In the past, we had had discussions about whether it was morally right to bring a baby into the world who would have a short or painful life due to illness. I have always taken the stance that life is hard enough for a 'normal' person, I wouldn't want to knowingly bring a child into this world who's entire existence would be filled with suffering. Griffin didn't entirely agree back then, but time changes a person.

When we were doing research on the effects of PROM on a fetus that was carried for as long as possible we found out that the potential complications were horrible: placental abruption, extreme prematurity, severe learning problems, little or no lung development and intrauterine growth restriction. The low amniotic fluid was already preventing the baby from moving and it was just a curled up ball on all of those last few ultrasounds. I never got to feel it move inside me like this.

On the other hand, I also read a few stories where the baby ended up being okay after several months or years of medical assistance. I became torn and started to doubt that ending the pregnancy was the right choice. The doctors all emphasized the strong likelihood of developing an infection in the amniotic sac and getting very sick or dying and then losing the baby anyhow. This was just more grim news for me to consider. In the end it was the right choice, but it wasn't really a choice at all. It was something that had to be done. Griffin had the strength to let go of his baby and with his strong and gentle heart he helped me survive through it, too. This is what any good daddy would do.

So, here we are at pregnancy number five and for the first time Griffin is getting the chance to feel his child bumping around inside me. He seems very excited and nervous at the same time. I know he is nervous about the next 18 weeks going well, but don't think he is so nervous about the next 18 years going well. He has confidence in his ability to adapt and learn, so do I.

We have been together over seven years and I have come to know many aspects about Griffin that will make him a great father. I grew up with a father that never wanted any children, much less to have a girl child. He had told me so at a very young age and that harsh fact has stayed with me all my days. So Griffin is already well on the way to being a great father, just by wanting to be a father.

Griffin has also changed a lot in these last seven years. When I met him, he was eager to cook for me (I am a vegetarian), he was trying to take the easiest, 'nicest' route for 'training' his puppy (which wasn't really training her at all) and he hadn't made anything truly creative since he was in elementary school. As we have grown together, he has learned that it is easier to let me do the cooking and have him clean up, that dogs crave discipline and training and love knowing that they are doing the right thing to please us (I think kids are the same way) and he is now an amazing artist with a beautifully creative mind.

I admire so much about Griffin, but I think it is his desire to create that I admire most. He is now taking a sculpture class at my old college. It's just for fun, but maintaining the motivation to take an evening course at a school 45 minutes away is not always fun. Besides, making art for art's sake is not easy. It takes self-discipline and dedication. (Of course, he works from home which also takes self-discipline and dedication, but he gets paid to do that.) These are two qualities that are very important in a father. I think my father had a lot of self-discipline, but very little dedication, at least to his children.

The plans we have been making for delivery and child-rearing are not based on ease and convenience for us. After all, it would be easier to just have a regular hospital delivery with our OB, buy baby formula, use disposable diapers, push her around in a stroller, tell her that Santa is watching and that all good people go to heaven. It would be easier, but I don't think it would be better. Not for us. Not after all of the reading I have done. I could never turn a blind eye to all I have learned and do things the 'easy way' now. It will take a lot of self-discipline and dedication to stick to our plans.

Griffin has gotten totally on board with everything I have been suggesting. I send him links to different articles and ask for his opinion. It's amazing how much information is out in cyberspace. I find it hard to believe that everyone isn't raising their children the way we plan to. It is all so logical and sensible on so many levels: good for the child and good for the planet.

There are many other aspects about Griffin which prove to me that he will be a good daddy. These are the qualities one would expect all good fathers to possess: he is loving, gentle, hard-working, kind to others, follows his heart and always tries to do what is right. He has a strong sense of morality and the will to carry through on his convictions. But, knowing that he is strong enough to be able to let go of his own baby when that pregnancy was failing and that he is now brave enough to love his new baby growing inside me is really all the proof I need.