Piper - 2 Weeks, 3 days
I knew that having a baby would change my life; change our lives, but I had no idea how profoundly it would affect me. Once we got Piper home from the hospital, I was in total control. Oh, sure, Griffin has some control, but it is minimal, after all, I am the source of food and knowledge.
Breastfeeding is supposed to be the best thing you can do for your child. Somehow, my breasts and my baby are in communication with each other. I have read that breast milk changes consistency and content as the baby needs. The beginning of the feeding is different from the end of the feeding. I can actually see this, too. The 'fore milk' is thin and watery. It helps hydrate the baby; as opposed to the 'hind milk' which flows after 10 minutes or so. That has lots of fat and is very filling; it is supposed to make the baby feel full and satisfied. I can see the difference in the appearance of the milk as it dribbles off her face, runs down my belly and drips everywhere.
My breasts are also in competition with each other. When I feed Piper on one side, the other side begins to drip. I think it is jealous. If I take Piper off for a moment to burp her in the middle of a feed, they both drip. Now the other one is mocking the unused one. Crybaby comes to mind. Of course all of this dripping means one thing to me - I will be smelling like spoiled milk in a few hours.
It doesn't matter that I stink like an old dairymaid - the only one who would notice is Piper and I think it makes me even more appealing to her. She can smell me when I walk into the room. Of course, this doesn't happen very often, because I don't get to leave the room without her too frequently.
When I was researching different opinions on how to raise and care for a baby, one of the things I came across was 'baby wearing'. Basically, keeping your child in a sling or carrier on your body for most of the day. The benefits really make sense - child cries less, feels safer in a more 'womb-like' environment, develops a deeper bond, and so on. I had purchased a carrier for both Griffin and me, but I have yet to successfully use it. Don't get me wrong, I will use it, but right now she is relatively small and light and it is just easier to tuck her into my arm and carry her around. I know this won't last.
I am also anti-bouncy-seat, baby swing and baby buckets (also known as infant car seats). Even though we have a baby, I don't want my house filled with baby crap. Oh, people tell me it will happen, I will be tripping over toys and baby junk in no time, but I am going to fight it. I am a minimalist.
Piper sleeps in a Moses basket. It is a beautifully constructed, slightly soft, reed basket with a thin mattress and cover on the inside. It seems to be pretty comfy for her and she sleeps in it just fine at night. I can get her to sleep in it during the day if she is really tired, but if there is any energy in her, she will cry and whimper until one of us rescues her. Piper is much happier sleeping when we hold her or at the very least when she is nestled on a pillow next to us - right next to us.
Griffin is still working, until July 1st, he tells me. And even though he is working from home most days, he is very busy and doesn't get to spend much time with Piper. Griffin also does all of the running around that I can't do. He has also had meetings for work, had to buy a family car and get rid of the truck, and our oil tank developed a leak (which we discovered the day we got home from the hospital) so there have been lots of people coming and going to work on that. All the while, it is just me and Piper, trying to cope with each other.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I am not a baby person. I love my baby, it's almost shocking to me how much I love her. She makes cute little noises when she sleeps and when she eats. She makes hilarious faces all day long that never cease to amuse me. And when she is sleeping and dead to the world in my arms, I am so happy to snuggle and cuddle her. I suffered through so much to get her it almost doesn't seem real. But, because I am not a baby person, I don't know what is 'normal' and what to worry about. I tend to err on the side of 'worry'.
This has been such an ongoing learning process for me. Initially, when she would cry, I would become alarmed and try everything in my power to get her to stop. This usually meant that I would be whipping out a boob to feed her - even if she was not hungry. Apparently, you can lead a baby to milk and make her drink. But now, I am starting to learn her cries and what they mean, so I can respond in a more helpful way.
Speaking of which. She is hungry now....
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I Heart My Uterus
Piper - 6 Days old.
Piper's birth was amazing in and of itself, but shortly afterward we received information that makes her existence even more stunning. The doctor that performed the c-section mentioned to us, rather off handedly, that I have a bicornuate uterus. We were in in recovery, I think, when he told us, or rather, asked us if we knew that I had this condition.
At the time, I had only a vague understanding of what that meant. A normal uterus is like an up-side-down pear - the top having the most space. A bicornuate uterus is malformed on top with a wall coming down in the middle. Basically, I have a heart shaped womb. There are a lot of variations of a bicornuate uterus - from just having a small septum that creates two little humps at the top of the uterus to ones where the septum runs all the way down essentially creating two separate wombs as well as two separate cervices. Mine, apparently, has enough of a septum to distort my fundus into two large humps instead of the smooth, round shape the top of the uterus is supposed to have - thus, the heart shaped uterus.
When the OB came by our hospital room a couple of days after Piper was born, he gave us a fuller explanation and literally drew us a picture of it. He said that this is something that is formed when you are still a fetus and there is nothing that can be done to prevent the formation and gave us some rough statistics about it. Apparently, this is also the reason that Piper wouldn't turn from the breech position; she couldn't turn. She was stuck in one of the humps of my heart shaped womb. "If only he had known this", the doc said to us, "I never would have even tried the version". He acted like it was a waste of his special skill. He also asked why I had never been screened for this deformity since I did have 4 miscarriages. We didn't know, but some questions of my own were starting to form.
Here is what I have learned and what makes Piper all the more precious to us:
A bicornuate uterus is a birth defect, there is usually nothing that can be done to repair it and it often goes unnoticed until there is a problem with a pregnancy. It occurs in about 0.1% of women. If the baby starts growing in one of the humps on top of the uterus the pregnancy will usually end in miscarriage, because that area cannot expand enough to accommodate a baby. This could explain all of the miscarriages I had.
If the embryo implants in the larger, lower part of the uterus it has a better chance of survival, about 55%. As the baby grows and starts to run out of room they often end up in a breech or transverse position and get stuck that way. There is a 25% chance of preterm delivery with these babies. Piper was born at 39 weeks, which is considered full term, so she was very lucky in that regard as well. Preterm babies can have so many problems, it's scary to think about. Some babies are born with birth defects from being cramped, or have low birth weight or an abnormal size, or general growth retardation - Piper has none of these, another bullet dodged. So, of course, pregnant women with bicornuate uteruses are considered high risk - my old doctors got that right, just not for the right reason.
Knowing all of this answers a lot of questions about what was going wrong for us, but it leaves me with a sense of frustration that none of our doctors ever thought to check for it. The diagnosis can be made with an ultrasound, how could this have been missed for the last three years? The only tests I was ever sent for were blood tests, which all came back normal. Did the doctors just not think that this was a possibility? I may never know.
I knew that Piper had a miraculous entrance into this world, I just didn't know that the miracle started the day she was conceived. It is such a wonder how all of the stars aligned and everything worked out so beautifully. And the whole issue of getting Piper to spin and not being able to do so also makes perfect sense now, too. She wasn't being stubborn, she was stuck in my 'heart'. Griffin, Piper and I are indeed very lucky to all be together now.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Make Way for Piper Blue
The Birth x 2
In an effort the get Piper to spin from breech to vertex, really the last ditch effort, I started going for Mayan Abdominal Massage. This is not the type of massage that just makes you feel good, rather, it is intended to help prepare babies to be born. Part of the purpose of the massage is encouraging babies to shift to head down; part of it is to help ensure a speedy labor.
I had my first massage on Thursday. Jennifer, the M.A.M., was very calm, almost mystical and helped foster a feeling of peace and relaxation in me. She would pause during the massage to 'speak' to Piper and ask her to turn head down. Piper rolled around slowly inside me, but didn't turn. I scheduled two more sessions for Friday and Saturday. Jennifer asked me to have Griffin come with me - 'just in case'. She said that there are points she could work to help the baby move, but they could also trigger labor. I was rather doubtful of that, but asked Griffin to go with me for the next two appointments anyhow.
On Friday she taught Griffin a few moves to help labor progress if we needed it. They both worked on stretching my body: Griffin took a foot and Jennifer took a hand and they gently pulled. It felt great. The next day we went to our four o'clock appointment and she did the same basic things, plus a few more.
It was Saturday and our 6th anniversary. We met my in-laws, Jan and Claire, for a celebratory dinner at the Black Forest Inn, a German restaurant. Dinner was delicious and I managed to save room for some ice cream - soft serve chocolate and vanilla twist. Yum! We talked about the fact that Piper might actually be coming late. We were so sure she was going to be early, but it wasn't looking that way anymore. I was 39 weeks pregnant.
Griffin and I were pretty pooped and we went to bed early at just past nine. Shortly after midnight, I woke up feeling 'off''. I had a coughing fit and went into the bathroom and threw up in the sink a little. This wasn't an unusual occurrence, my stomach had be squashed by Piper for a couple of months and food backed up rather easily. I felt a little crampy and went back to bed. Ten minutes later I felt really crampy and went to use to toilet. It felt like my dinner was disagreeing with me.
I returned to bed to try to sleep it off. At this point Griffin was awake and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I either had food poisoning or I was going into labor. We tried to sleep, but ten minutes later I was back in the bathroom on the toilet feeling miserable and my stomach lurched. I launched my dinner and dessert into the bathtub next to the toilet with a splash. It was disgusting.
Griffin got up and cleaned the tub. I sat on the bed and moaned at my belly pain. We decided there was no use trying to sleep anymore, so we went downstairs. This was just before 1am. We sat in the library and Griffin read something and I tried to relax when a real contraction hit me. It was like really bad gas pains stabbing me in the belly. I checked my phone for the time at it was shortly after 1am. The next contraction hit me a little harder ten minutes later.
If we were going to go the the hospital, as I figured would be happening since I could feel Piper kicking the same low spot in my belly, we needed to get some stuff done. I managed to get my things together that had been sitting in a drawer, just in case. I gathered some stuff together for Piper. Griffin ran around the house gathering odds and ends and doing some last minute things for the house.
Back in the library, we started discussing calling our midwife Judy. The birthing class we took said to wait until the mother starts ripping off her clothes because she is so hot she can't stand it. I told Griffin to call NOW! He talked to her and told her what had happened so far. I was on the couch on all fours moaning loudly into a pillow through another, stronger contraction, still 10 minutes apart.
Judy wanted to talk to me so Griffin handed me the phone. I spoke to her for a few minutes, I have no idea what I said, and another contraction came. I was on all fours on the overstuffed leather chair. I waved the phone at Griffin because I couldn't speak, only moan.
She asked him a few questions, something like: How far apart are the contractions? 10 minutes, maybe a little closer. Is the baby still breech? Yes. Do you want to go to the hospital? Yes. Which hospital?
Which hospital. We just had this discussion the day before. We decided that we liked the doctor who worked out of Hackensack much better than the one that tried to do the version on me who was in Morristown. Yes, Hackensack was farther away, but it would be nice to work with someone who seemed to care a bit more about us and our options. So.
Which hospital? MORRISTOWN! I don't know why I knew I needed to get to help as fast as possible, but I did. I moaned horrible guttural sounds with each contraction. Griffin called the office of the doctor that worked out of Morristown Memorial Hospital, he got the machine and the number to call if a mother is in labor and dialed that number. The person answering the phone asked him a few questions and said the doctor would call us back.
When the doctor called it was after 2am. The contractions were coming closer together - every eight minutes or so. Griffin talked to him for a few minutes and it was decided to come into the hospital right away. Griffin called Judy again and she said she would meet us there. Griffin phoned his parents to let them know what was happening - there was no answer, so he left a message. We packed everything into Griffin's Ford Ranger and we were off at just after 3am.
The contractions were stronger still and closer still. He drove carefully and I moaned a kind of "uuuuuuuggggghhhh-oooooooo" sound with each one. I was trying to get onto all fours while wearing a seat belt. It was very awkward, I practically climbed into Griffin's lap. I think the contractions were about 7 or 6 minutes apart when we left our house and when we got to the hospital they were more like 5 minutes apart.
We parked in the garage and I walked as fast as I could until the next contraction hit. Griffin carried all of the bags and helped me walk. We went through the halls following the Labor Ward signs and when the next contraction struck, I veered off into a bathroom to sit on the toilet. It lasted a minute or so and I weakly washed up and we were off again. We made it to the nurse's desk and signed in. I growled through a contraction as they tried to find a room for us. It was a little before 4am and the contractions were 5 or even 4 minutes apart by then.
The nurse got us into a room, had me strip and put on a johnny, and give a urine sample. I have no idea how I did any of this. Griffin helped me through it. I got onto the bed and a nurse strapped on a fetal monitor belt. When the contraction came, I tried to flip over onto all fours and moan through it, the nurse tried flipping me back. We compromised on letting me lie on my side and press my face into Griffin's belly and make demonic noises.
Judy arrived and she and Griffin helped me labor. One nurse tried to get an IV in my arm while another one tried to take blood. Still another nurse came in to check the baby on ultrasound. Yes, she was still breech, footling breech now. Her two feet were aimed right for the exit ramp. I writhed on the bed in pain as the contractions came faster and harder. My head pounded. Everyone moved in slow motion. I cried that I felt like I needed to push. "Don't push!" they said. One nurse finally checked my dilation. Judy asked her what I was at. The rather confused looking nurse said 8 centimeters. I screamed I could feel the baby coming out. Everyone stood around like they were made of lead.
Finally Judy jumped into action: she reached inside me and felt around. She told them that my bag was bulging and she could feel a foot. She barked orders at people and everyone started to jump into action. The doctor finally showed up. The contractions were nearly on top of each other as they got me onto a gurney and wheeled me towards the operating room.
The anesthesiologist tried talking to me about what was going to happen. Nurses shaved me and strapped down my arms. They said there was no time for an epidural and that I needed to go under general anesthesia. I screamed that the baby was coming. A panicked nurse saw feet coming out of me still inside the sac. Someone yelled to push them back in. She grabbed Piper's feet and shoved them all the way back inside me. She must have had her whole hand in there stuffing Piper back in. Piper was almost born!
Finally the IV started giving me the general anesthesia and I was out like a light. The doctor made a huge, and possibly panicked, incision across my pelvis. The second one went from navel to pubic bone through my angry uterus. Piper was born for a second time at 4:21am.
When I woke up in recovery an hour later Judy was with me. She told me Griffin was with Piper and she was fine. (I am crying now just writing this. I was so relieved.) Judy started pestering the person in the recovery room to get the baby in here. Within a half an hour I got to hold my baby girl for the first time. Judy adjusted Piper and helped me feed her for the first time. It was like magic. I was instantly in love.
By 6am I was in my hospital room with my loving husband and my precious baby girl, Piper. We bonded and fell in love all over again. That morning I held and kissed her and stroked her every chance I got. As my grogginess wore off. I made sure that no one took her out of the room for anything. We didn't want her to have a bottle, formula, a pacifier and didn't want her sleeping in the nursery. She fed from my breast like we had been doing it forever. I told Griffin over and over how much I loved him and how much I loved Piper. I was on top of the world!
The next three days in the hospital were an adventure in and of themselves, but that will have to wait. I am off to hold my sweet baby girl, Piper Blue.
In an effort the get Piper to spin from breech to vertex, really the last ditch effort, I started going for Mayan Abdominal Massage. This is not the type of massage that just makes you feel good, rather, it is intended to help prepare babies to be born. Part of the purpose of the massage is encouraging babies to shift to head down; part of it is to help ensure a speedy labor.
I had my first massage on Thursday. Jennifer, the M.A.M., was very calm, almost mystical and helped foster a feeling of peace and relaxation in me. She would pause during the massage to 'speak' to Piper and ask her to turn head down. Piper rolled around slowly inside me, but didn't turn. I scheduled two more sessions for Friday and Saturday. Jennifer asked me to have Griffin come with me - 'just in case'. She said that there are points she could work to help the baby move, but they could also trigger labor. I was rather doubtful of that, but asked Griffin to go with me for the next two appointments anyhow.
On Friday she taught Griffin a few moves to help labor progress if we needed it. They both worked on stretching my body: Griffin took a foot and Jennifer took a hand and they gently pulled. It felt great. The next day we went to our four o'clock appointment and she did the same basic things, plus a few more.
It was Saturday and our 6th anniversary. We met my in-laws, Jan and Claire, for a celebratory dinner at the Black Forest Inn, a German restaurant. Dinner was delicious and I managed to save room for some ice cream - soft serve chocolate and vanilla twist. Yum! We talked about the fact that Piper might actually be coming late. We were so sure she was going to be early, but it wasn't looking that way anymore. I was 39 weeks pregnant.
Griffin and I were pretty pooped and we went to bed early at just past nine. Shortly after midnight, I woke up feeling 'off''. I had a coughing fit and went into the bathroom and threw up in the sink a little. This wasn't an unusual occurrence, my stomach had be squashed by Piper for a couple of months and food backed up rather easily. I felt a little crampy and went back to bed. Ten minutes later I felt really crampy and went to use to toilet. It felt like my dinner was disagreeing with me.
I returned to bed to try to sleep it off. At this point Griffin was awake and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I either had food poisoning or I was going into labor. We tried to sleep, but ten minutes later I was back in the bathroom on the toilet feeling miserable and my stomach lurched. I launched my dinner and dessert into the bathtub next to the toilet with a splash. It was disgusting.
Griffin got up and cleaned the tub. I sat on the bed and moaned at my belly pain. We decided there was no use trying to sleep anymore, so we went downstairs. This was just before 1am. We sat in the library and Griffin read something and I tried to relax when a real contraction hit me. It was like really bad gas pains stabbing me in the belly. I checked my phone for the time at it was shortly after 1am. The next contraction hit me a little harder ten minutes later.
If we were going to go the the hospital, as I figured would be happening since I could feel Piper kicking the same low spot in my belly, we needed to get some stuff done. I managed to get my things together that had been sitting in a drawer, just in case. I gathered some stuff together for Piper. Griffin ran around the house gathering odds and ends and doing some last minute things for the house.
Back in the library, we started discussing calling our midwife Judy. The birthing class we took said to wait until the mother starts ripping off her clothes because she is so hot she can't stand it. I told Griffin to call NOW! He talked to her and told her what had happened so far. I was on the couch on all fours moaning loudly into a pillow through another, stronger contraction, still 10 minutes apart.
Judy wanted to talk to me so Griffin handed me the phone. I spoke to her for a few minutes, I have no idea what I said, and another contraction came. I was on all fours on the overstuffed leather chair. I waved the phone at Griffin because I couldn't speak, only moan.
She asked him a few questions, something like: How far apart are the contractions? 10 minutes, maybe a little closer. Is the baby still breech? Yes. Do you want to go to the hospital? Yes. Which hospital?
Which hospital. We just had this discussion the day before. We decided that we liked the doctor who worked out of Hackensack much better than the one that tried to do the version on me who was in Morristown. Yes, Hackensack was farther away, but it would be nice to work with someone who seemed to care a bit more about us and our options. So.
Which hospital? MORRISTOWN! I don't know why I knew I needed to get to help as fast as possible, but I did. I moaned horrible guttural sounds with each contraction. Griffin called the office of the doctor that worked out of Morristown Memorial Hospital, he got the machine and the number to call if a mother is in labor and dialed that number. The person answering the phone asked him a few questions and said the doctor would call us back.
When the doctor called it was after 2am. The contractions were coming closer together - every eight minutes or so. Griffin talked to him for a few minutes and it was decided to come into the hospital right away. Griffin called Judy again and she said she would meet us there. Griffin phoned his parents to let them know what was happening - there was no answer, so he left a message. We packed everything into Griffin's Ford Ranger and we were off at just after 3am.
The contractions were stronger still and closer still. He drove carefully and I moaned a kind of "uuuuuuuggggghhhh-oooooooo" sound with each one. I was trying to get onto all fours while wearing a seat belt. It was very awkward, I practically climbed into Griffin's lap. I think the contractions were about 7 or 6 minutes apart when we left our house and when we got to the hospital they were more like 5 minutes apart.
We parked in the garage and I walked as fast as I could until the next contraction hit. Griffin carried all of the bags and helped me walk. We went through the halls following the Labor Ward signs and when the next contraction struck, I veered off into a bathroom to sit on the toilet. It lasted a minute or so and I weakly washed up and we were off again. We made it to the nurse's desk and signed in. I growled through a contraction as they tried to find a room for us. It was a little before 4am and the contractions were 5 or even 4 minutes apart by then.
The nurse got us into a room, had me strip and put on a johnny, and give a urine sample. I have no idea how I did any of this. Griffin helped me through it. I got onto the bed and a nurse strapped on a fetal monitor belt. When the contraction came, I tried to flip over onto all fours and moan through it, the nurse tried flipping me back. We compromised on letting me lie on my side and press my face into Griffin's belly and make demonic noises.
Judy arrived and she and Griffin helped me labor. One nurse tried to get an IV in my arm while another one tried to take blood. Still another nurse came in to check the baby on ultrasound. Yes, she was still breech, footling breech now. Her two feet were aimed right for the exit ramp. I writhed on the bed in pain as the contractions came faster and harder. My head pounded. Everyone moved in slow motion. I cried that I felt like I needed to push. "Don't push!" they said. One nurse finally checked my dilation. Judy asked her what I was at. The rather confused looking nurse said 8 centimeters. I screamed I could feel the baby coming out. Everyone stood around like they were made of lead.
Finally Judy jumped into action: she reached inside me and felt around. She told them that my bag was bulging and she could feel a foot. She barked orders at people and everyone started to jump into action. The doctor finally showed up. The contractions were nearly on top of each other as they got me onto a gurney and wheeled me towards the operating room.
The anesthesiologist tried talking to me about what was going to happen. Nurses shaved me and strapped down my arms. They said there was no time for an epidural and that I needed to go under general anesthesia. I screamed that the baby was coming. A panicked nurse saw feet coming out of me still inside the sac. Someone yelled to push them back in. She grabbed Piper's feet and shoved them all the way back inside me. She must have had her whole hand in there stuffing Piper back in. Piper was almost born!
Finally the IV started giving me the general anesthesia and I was out like a light. The doctor made a huge, and possibly panicked, incision across my pelvis. The second one went from navel to pubic bone through my angry uterus. Piper was born for a second time at 4:21am.
When I woke up in recovery an hour later Judy was with me. She told me Griffin was with Piper and she was fine. (I am crying now just writing this. I was so relieved.) Judy started pestering the person in the recovery room to get the baby in here. Within a half an hour I got to hold my baby girl for the first time. Judy adjusted Piper and helped me feed her for the first time. It was like magic. I was instantly in love.
By 6am I was in my hospital room with my loving husband and my precious baby girl, Piper. We bonded and fell in love all over again. That morning I held and kissed her and stroked her every chance I got. As my grogginess wore off. I made sure that no one took her out of the room for anything. We didn't want her to have a bottle, formula, a pacifier and didn't want her sleeping in the nursery. She fed from my breast like we had been doing it forever. I told Griffin over and over how much I loved him and how much I loved Piper. I was on top of the world!
The next three days in the hospital were an adventure in and of themselves, but that will have to wait. I am off to hold my sweet baby girl, Piper Blue.
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