Well, I am in uncharted territory here. Tomorrow is our level II ultrasound. This procedure was scheduled with the promed pregnancy last summer, but we never got there. You might think that I am jumping for joy to be this far along, and I am in many ways, but I am also apprehensive.
I don't believe in Karma or 'deserving' something good when you have suffered much. Not really. I try to always treat others in a way that I would want to be treated. It's not exactly because I think good things will come back to me, but because as Griffin often says, it's the right thing to do. I do believe that if you are cruel, mean or deceptive for evil reasons it could come around and bite you in the ass. But this has more to do with the fact that if you treat someone poorly, when given the chance, they may do the same to you.
Just because you have had a tough life or tragic events occur doesn't mean that your turn will come to have everything go your way. Life is a series of random events, the only thing that you can control is how you react to them. If I was the type of person to sit around thinking that I 'deserve' everything to be okay on tomorrow's scan and everything is not okay, I might then think that I have not suffered enough to deserve this. I, however, being a rational person know that even though I have suffered plenty and yet that has no bearing on whether I will suffer more.
So, I don't think that I 'deserve' to have normal pregnancy and everything should be hunky-dory just because I suffered all that I did in the past. Perhaps it is the pessimist in me, but I find myself waiting for what will go wrong. It's as if there is no way that things could just be fine and normal and that in four and a half months I will pop out a perfect little grub. Let me make this clear: this is not my typical attitude.
Normally, I am a pretty positive person. I believe whatever will be will be and that generally everything will be just fine. I could be the poster child for not being able to control what happens in your life and adjusting. Recover and adapt are natural reactions now. This goes way beyond pregnancies and miscarriages. The only thing you can control is your reaction to what happens.
I try to take everything in stride and feel like there isn't anything I can't handle. That doesn't mean I won't be upset, cry or breakdown at the time, but it is temporary and life must go on. This was why I couldn't give up when the last pregnancy ended. The heartbreak was awful, but life goes on and we heal. The emotional scar tissue may make you stronger, but it may also make you feel less the next time. This is where I am.
Feeling a bit detached, excited but preparing myself for the worst, I will try to keep myself busy for the next 30 hours. Until I hear that everything is looking just fine, I will try to occupy myself with non-pregnancy related activities.
I did a lot of Googling this morning on the 'level II ultrasound'. I already had done some some research on it last summer, but I wanted to refresh my memory and see if anything new popped up. I did not see much of particular interest. Most everything was as I expected. They will look for any abnormalities in the head, body and organs. However, one interesting bit of information was that there is a 70 to 80% chance that they will find a problem, if one exists, using this type of ultrasound as opposed to a 20 to 30% chance using the standard level I ultrasound.
What does this mean for us? Well, just because the last 5 or 6 ultrasounds were fine, that doesn't mean there isn't something lurking that could be uncovered tomorrow. I am prepared. I can handle anything. And if I can't handle it, Griffin will be there to hold me.
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