Just Call Me Alice

23 weeks

This day makes you smaller, this day makes you bigger.

This was a weird week. Along with the fish issues, I had been feeling a bit 'off'. It's hard to describe, nothing was particularly wrong, but I didn't feel like I was in my full on preggo groove. In between doing fishy things I have been spending a lot of time looking at the size of my belly.

For a couple of days I started to become concerned that my belly was too small. If you read about how big someone should be at five months, you will find that there is no correct answer. There isn't a standard size one's belly might be at this time, so I couldn't tell if I was going along alright. Perhaps I have gotten too used to looking at my rounded shape and now it looks too 'normal' to me.

So, now I am complaining about being normal? I just can't be happy, confident and relaxed, at least not for long. Do I even look pregnant anymore? I started to wonder if Piper has stopped growing, if I was eating enough, could I be losing fluid and not be aware of it? I have felt rather 'damp' lately. Flashbacks keep popping into my head.

Today I wore sweatpants to work. I have never, ever done this before. Actually, this is the first pair of sweatpants I can remember owning. They are brown with a soft, fleecy lining. They feel so good! I was low on clean clothes this morning and it is dang cold around here, so I was able to justify my choice. Fridays are 'dress-down' days anyhow, right?

I paired my sweatpants with a girlie maternity top and no one was the wiser. Funny how wearing a maternity blouse can make you feel more maternal. The whole day today I felt extra pregnant and very happy. What was I wearing all week that made me feel less than fully pregnant? I don't know if it was what I was wearing or what I was carrying around inside my head.

My deep concern over my fish was very distracting and I often have the disconcerting feeling of 'when it rains, it pours'. Maybe it was pouring somewhere, but not here. Since Monday's disaster, everything has been fine. Since we have decided to drop the OB, I have been a little extra nervous anyhow. It's a lot to adjust to. I liked my pregnancy training wheels even if they were annoying most of the time. I felt a little 'safer', but knew it is entirely unnecessary to travel 30 miles to have my blood pressure and weight taken. I think way too much.

Lately, I have been entirely too distracted at work. My classes are going along fine, but all of the little stuff I keep meaning to do never seems to get done. I forget to tell people stuff and I forget to hand things in. Everyone tells me it will only get worse. It's the least of my worries, but I am sure I am forgetting something important . . .

Now that I am feeling nice and big today, I am comfortable again. Is this some kind of paradox? The larger I am, the more comfortable I am? I guess I know that with every inch I grow, Piper is getting bigger and stronger. Her little kicks are getting more forceful which tells me she is doing well in her little fishbowl in my belly. Sometimes when I see a photo of a woman eight or nine months pregnant I find it shocking and can't imagine getting that big. And yet when I think about June and not being pregnant anymore, I can't imagine that either.

It's so easy carrying Piper around this way, inside me. Warm, safe and easy enough to move. What would if look like to be pregnant with a toddler? Perhaps I won't feel this way when I am eight or nine months pregnant. I might be looking forward to getting her out and getting skinny again. For now, I will enjoy my time with her rolling around inside me, in one, easy-to-carry package that keeps on getting bigger.