What Else Can I Do?

I woke up this morning and headed to the bathroom as usual. It was only 6:30 so I went back to be to attempt to sleep in on this rainy Sunday morning. It occurred to me as I was lying there that I did not feel Piper kicking around. She is usually awake before I am in the morning. I began to focus on my belly to feel her move.

I think those few fleeting months of feeling great, being happy and looking forward to the very near future are over. Since this horrid sciatica has taken hold, so have my worries and fears about the pregnancy.

I have been wearing a back brace for three days and I am concerned that it is squashing my little grub. Everything I have read says that is impossible. She is well protected by many layers of me and is floating in her protective amniotic fluid, but every time I have the belt on I can feel her kicking against it. I am concerned that it is cramping her comfy fishbowl home.

When Piper didn't give me her usual early morning wake-up call, I became concerned to the point of actually worrying. I laid on my left side and waited. After a bit of time I felt her squirm around and then kick. It was rather a weak kick and that concerned me. She rolled around and kicked a few more. None with the strength to my satisfaction. I might have fallen back asleep after that.

When we got up a while later, I limped around the house and got my back brace on. I tried to fit it as low on my waist as I could. I don't know if the brace is really helping my back, but I will keep using it for a while. I had some cereal and blueberries and settled down on the couch to do some reading. I feel fine when I am sitting, especially with my feet up, it's when I get up to do anything that the pain strikes me now.

On weekends, I normally drink a cup of coffee before I eat breakfast, but with Piper seeming so sluggish I decided to eat first. After eating I could feel her bumping around as usual and even now as I sit here typing this, she is kicking hard enough to make me jump. So, she is back to her usual self. I guess there was actually nothing wrong this morning and she was just 'sleeping in' with the rest of us. Even the cats did not start crying until 7:30. Yet, I could not seem to help myself and begin to worry at the slightest sign of trouble.

I think this pain is driving me mad. If I sit on the couch with a heating pad under the painful cheek for 15 minutes or so, I feel fine for a while and I can actually walk normally, but the pain soon comes back. I would think that I would feel best in the morning after resting all night, but I don't. I feel best at night when we are sitting on the couch watching a DVD and I have my trusty heating pad on. I think I am going to need to take this to school with me tomorrow or else I will not survive.

Our plan for today was to clear out the stuff in the room that will become the nursery. There isn't that much in there now. It was one of those rooms that just became storage and a place to put things that had no place. There were two bookshelves filled with some vintage glass and pottery and some of my stuff too. A few pieces of furniture are going to be removed with the help of Griffin's younger brother David.

We even went to Home Depot yesterday and bought paint for the room. We bought their 'green' line of paint "Freshaire" which is a very eco-friendly paint and contains no VOC's and is GreenGuard certified, also. We picked out a warm yellow for the walls and a darker golden color for the trim. Since painting the old house, we have really come to love painting the trim with non-white, contrasting colors. Anyhow.

Griffin and I discussed clearing out the shelves and where the stuff would go. Some of my stuff would get put into the basement and some would go into the big sun room. We were sitting in the library when Griffin announced he was ready to start moving stuff and I followed him. As I got up, the sciatica stabbed me in the ass, but I tried to ignore it and keep moving. Sometimes it just works itself out. Not this time.

I dragged myself into the sun room as Griffin carried the stuff in a few at a time and piled them on the coffee table. I was supposed the take them from the coffee table and put them onto the beautiful shelves my father-in-law build for me. Every bend, every step, every breath was excruciating. I sucked in my breath every time it caught me.

Griffin saw what was going on and brought a wheely chair for me to sit on to roll back and fourth. I wheeled, but it wasn't helping. I got a blanket, folded it up, kneeled on it and tried sliding back and fourth. I felt fine as long as I didn't move. So this didn't help either. I stood up and tried to walk carefully back and fourth. It was my best option, but it took forever. It hurt so back that when I saw Griffin watching me I started to laugh. I know how ridiculous I look. If I don't laugh, I may cry.

I am not used to having any pain in my body. I rarely even get sick. When I have a cold, I ignore it and keep on working and it goes away in a couple of days. This pain in not going away and I cannot ignore it. I will try to focus on using the heat for 15 minutes every hour for the next few days until we see Judy, our midwife on Thursday. I am hoping she will have some solution for me. If she doesn't, I will have to look for other options like physical therapy. I will NOT go to a chiropractor. Don't even get me started on that quackery. I would sooner cram Chinese herbs up my ass for a month than have some charlatan doctor 'cracking' my back. But I digress.

This may be a very long week for me and I will certainly be walking around with one very warm butt cheek, but hopefully, I will be in less pain. I can't go on in pain like this and continue working. Moving around at a snail's pace is insane when dealing with a room full of teenagers, but what else can I do?

The Importance of a Role Model

20 Weeks, 2 days

Let me start off by saying last night Griffin felt Piper move for the first time. It was pretty wonderful for both of us, maybe for Piper too. I have been feeling her moving for quite some time and I always mention it to Griffin when she is particularly active. Last night while were were watching Nip/Tuck (we don't have cable or satellite - the only TV watching we do is on DVD and only at night) Piper was rolling around after I finished eating. I said "Piper says 'Hi' ". Griffin then rested his hand on by belly to feel her for the first time. Within 5 minutes we both felt her bump. He really looked shocked, happy, ecstatic. I think he is starting to feel more secure that the pregnancy will actually going to term.

On to the Importance of a Role Model. I knew from many pregnancies ago that the nursery would need a 'theme'. My wonderful mother-in-law had brought it up from time to time and I know she wants to have a baby shower for us. I love animals, art, nature, simplicity and classic literature. Although a lot of my art tends to be funny, weird and sometimes disturbing, I also love beautiful, classic watercolors and struggle to work in the medium as my mind pictures it.

Since I was a young child I loved to draw and paint animals: my pets, animals I saw outside and those in books. Griffin and I watched the movie Miss Potter last year and I fell in love. I brought it in to show my students. They had mixed reactions. I taught them to work with ink and watercolor just as Beatrix Potter had. Last year wasn't a huge success, but I did the same lesson again this year with wonderful results. I didn't get to show them the movie - but I will. I just taught them the technique. I did talk about Beatrix Potter and her life. I realized that I saw her as a wonderful role model as an artist, writer, and woman.

There aren't a lot of role models for young women these days. Not the type that I would want my daughter to emulate, but Beatrix Potter is a perfect exception. Okay, so she died in 1943, but her life, her work and her ambition are something to be admired.

She was an amazing artist who started drawing at a young age. Her love of animals flowed into her art, just as mine had when I was a child. She was a clever writer with an amazing imagination and her books are still loved around the world. I believe they are the best selling children's books ever. She was an intelligent, passionate, self-made woman that was strong and courageous. She defied society's rules to live life as she chose. Her life was filled with joy and pain and triumph. She was a naturalist and environmentalist. She had her 4000 acre farm donated to the National Trust in England to help retain unspoiled, undeveloped land the UK. Really, there isn't much I don't admire about her.

So when it came to choosing a theme for our nursery, it came to me at once - Beatrix Potter. I will enjoy reading the stories to Piper, and then teaching her to love animals and to draw and paint them. And I will, in time, teach her about what it means to be a strong young woman with a good role model. like Miss Potter.