As Time Goes By

26 Weeks.

Time is dragging by now - at least in terms of the pregnancy. I find myself looking up what is happening during week ____ less and less. Most of the monumental changes and checkpoints are past. Piper just keeps getting bigger, stronger and fatter. Even her kicking is less of a thrill and now more of a means of communication between the two of us. She is not tapping out Morse code, but she does react to things in our environment in interesting ways. She gets very still at my in-laws' house; perhaps she is learning the voices of her grandparents, in the car going home from work she jumps and kicks and does back flips off my bladder and in the evenings she pokes and squirms as we watch a DVD. I think I may miss having her inside me after she is born.

I had advanced into reading about the birthing process and I feel as prepared as I am going to get. I am sure there are no written words that will be able to fully portray the experience. I understand the mechanics of what will happen, the possible risks and dangers and the many variables in birthing. As far as the emotional experience, I don't think anything will prepare me for that.

My reading has now shifted into child-rearing. I started reading the baby led weening book. The thoughts, theories and conclusions for the first six months are simply 'no food other than breast milk', so, really the practices in this book won't be put into action until next December. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that. Next December.

I also have been watching videos on PBS and Netflix. The one that disturbed me the most was Frontline's "The Medicated Child". It was a full length video on using and over-using medication on children to 'fix' their mental problems. A lot of what I was seeing just looked like kids acting like kids - bored kids, but normal kids nonetheless. Some of the children in the show were a little off but the medication the doctors put them on made them downright bizarre. One of the things that really bothered me was that the only thing that was being addressed was the medication: Was it too much? Was it the wrong kind? Should this one be only for adults? Do these two react poorly together?

The entire time I watched the show I kept noticing the food these kids were eating, the fact that they were so young and spent all their time in front of a computer or TV. Their toys were video games or plastic hoo-hoos, surely made in China, that the littlest ones were gnawing on. Several of the parents had two or three kids running around and they couldn't focus their attention or gather their brood together. No one addressed diet, nutrition, exercise, metal stimulation or parental interaction. One woman went back to her doctor with the intention of getting her child off one or two of the many meds he was on and by the time she was leaving his office, he had upped the dosage instead. She just sat there and nodded. I was shocked.

I also watched a video, A Life Without Pain, on three children who were born with the rare disorder that prevented them from being able to feel pain. I had heard of this before, but never gave it too much thought. It was amazing to consider all of the potential problems that would ensue when your child is born without feeling pain. The three children were in different parts of the world, but had the same problem; the difference was the approach to dealing with the issues. Of course, the American family reacted in a way that was extreme and, I think, in the end detrimental to their daughter. Of course, who am I to talk, never having been in this situation?

The more I watch, the more afraid I become for little Piper. I have no idea what her future health may hold, I guess you can only do what's right at the moment and wait and see. In the mean time, I will continue to read, watch videos and try to do my best to prepare for the future. I guess the only thing I can do right now to help ensure Piper is healthy is to eat right - so I am off to have a nutritious breakfast.

It's - Natural?

21 Weeks, 6 days.

The cat is out of the bag. Well, maybe it is coming out in super slo-mo, but it is definitely coming out. More and more people at work are actually approaching me and asking if I am, indeed, pregnant. I am getting more comfortable with the idea of discussing my condition with folks outside of my 'pregnancy inner circle'. Although tickling me somewhere in the back of my mind is the thought that I am jinxing this whole thing by talking about it to virtual 'strangers'.

I am not a mystical person. I don't believe in jinxing or bad luck or karma - good or bad - and yet, still I get that miserable little tickle once in a while. Pushing it down and away has become easier over time, but there are days when it rears its ugly head too often.

At lunch today, two more people found out about our happy news. I am no longer actively hiding my pregnancy, however, I cannot bare to think about shouting about it from the rooftops. It just came up in the lunchtime conversation and I spoke about it as if everyone knew and it was no big deal. That alone, was a challenge for me.

A colleague of mine that ate lunch with us is also awaiting the birth of his offspring. His wife is due a couple of weeks before I am. I used to despise other people who were pregnant when I was having miscarriage after miscarriage. I was really bitter, but now it was actually quite pleasant to discuss our upcoming events.

We talked about due dates and finding out the sex and then the topic of birthing came up - I brought it up. I asked if they were planning on having a natural childbirth. His initial reaction was 'yes' and then he amended the statement by saying she was planning on having an epidural. I told him that was not 'natural' and he responded with something like 'Is that not what you meant?'

Apparently, he was thinking 'natural' meant not having a c-section. If it comes out the normal route, then that was the 'natural' part of giving birth. Natural childbirth, right? I found it rather comical.

I told him that we were considering having a home birth. Now, this always raises some eyebrows and he was no exception. My colleague responded with something like - that's really 'interesting' or 'cool'. Since we are mostly nodding acquaintances, I assumed he might be holding his tongue and his true thoughts on the matter.

I thought about this for a while today. It's so strange how we have come to think that there isn't any other option for giving birth other than doing it at a hospital. And that as long as the baby comes out through the birth canal, well, then that's natural enough. The fact that the mother is numb from the belly down, pumped full of drugs and attached to several different monitors all beeping and flickering never enters into the equation. Even if you do it without drugs, the whole hospital setting really doesn't seem so natural to me either.

Most of the time when I discuss home birthing now, I get some variety of a negative reaction. Some responses are strong and on the verge of calling me an idiot and having a death wish for my baby and others are more polite and merely hint at my lunacy. I am developing a thick skin.

Tomorrow, we will meet with a midwife whom we may choose to have help deliver Piper. She started out as a labor and delivery nurse and then moved over to midwifery and home birthing. I am really interested to hear what she thinks about our risk factor, both with the miscarriages and my advanced age. Thirty-seven is considered geriatric in the motherhood biz.

I have been thinking about how I will react if the midwife tells us that home birth is not a good option for us. She is the expert after all. I expect to hear that from an OB, but will be disappointed if a midwife tells us it's not a smart idea. So, what will our next move be? A birthing center? Back to the old hospital option?

Moreover, how would I deal with the possibility of being in labor and finding out that I just can't do it at home? What would it be like to admit defeat and go to a hospital to deliver? Could I stand the barrage of I told you so's that would surely follow? Maybe my skin needs to get a little bit thicker still.